Author Archives: Virginia Gentleman Jack

Just as I was settling in for my afternoon nap today downstairs by the sliding glass door to the deck, a C-A-T comes up the steps and was about to stroll past the door! YOU BETTA NOT TAKE ANOTHER STEP! I said in my deepest big boy growl followed by a bark. The C-A-T stopped dead in its tracks clearly scared out of its little mind and started stuttering. It wasn’t Chub Chub. That’s the name of the one who lives across the street and smacked me in the face five times fast old fashioned style — Chub Chub. Stupid stupid name. I think Chub Chub sent this one over to do recon and see if I was on top of things or not. I showed them! And I sent an extra bark mail just to be sure. But I got so spun up that I haven’t been right for the rest of the day. And there have been waaay too many cat commercials on the tv machine that just set me off barking all over again. . . So much for a relaxing Sunday.

I’m not your average Labrador. I am actually well above average and almost human. It’s true! The proof is in the Jack facts.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #1: I am a Virginia Gentleman which means I have been raised to recognize certain social graces. Like I let ladies go through the door first (well Mom makes me do that), I sit and wait patiently and quietly for my breakfast and dinner (Mom makes me do that too), and I figured out that I don’t have to whine or bark to make Mom get up in the morning because my ears are so long they make enough noise when I shake my head really hard it sounds like a helicopter. Works like a charm! I mean I’m a really well-mannered guy, even though I can’t help but stick my nose in Mom’s girlfriend’s crotches. That’s how I download them into my contacts!!! Like I said, I’m not your average Labrador.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #2: I have never torn up anything. *looks over shoulder* Well. . .ok I did get “caught up” in a roll of toilet paper as a baby (that was fun!), but that’s in the puppy handbook and another sign of proper puppy development. Plus, I had to represent for the sake of my puppy street cred. Was very important to be able to throw that kinda stuff around in my puppy play group with Bodhi, Katie, Cisco, and Sally. “Hey guys have you done toilet paper yet! It’s AWESOME!” Note to all puppy moms: give your puppy street cred bragging rights otherwise they will get a beat down at the dog park.

While I’m confessing, I did take a small bite out of one of Mom’s wooden mask thingys from Africa, and I MIGHT have gotten her Uggs confused with one of my toys. Juvenile mistakes. I mean Uggs are suede and Mom’s have that fuzzy stuff that my Sundance big bones are made of, so how was I supposed to know! BUT! I have never completely destroyed or ruined anything ever. The Ugg incident was really more of Mom catching me in a split second of excited puppy cray cray with my mouth on it and then putting me on the longest time out of my life. So allllll of that being said, I maintain that I am not your average Labrador.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #3: I only touch things that belong to me. I don’t chew on shoes (I only put my MOUTH on the Ugg no teeth), or phones or electrical cords or floor boards and I am very, very, very quiet in the house except I snore and have gas (which is a lot). Apparently, I also have a loud, grunty exhale when I am resting or sleeping. Mom’s always saying something about Al Bundy whoever that is. An old boyfriend maybe? Like why should I care? He doesn’t come over here to see me.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #4: I take myself to bed every night no later than 9:30 pm.  I prefer lights out with no television, and I stay in bed all night. Mom’s not like me. She doesn’t sleep after she eats or plays or poops or really ever. Would you believe she stays awake allllll day?? Who does that?? It is totally not normal so I realized I had to take responsibility for my own sleep even when she stays up drinking wine and watching reality tv. I’m a big boy now, so I have a big bed. It’s called a Coolaroo, and it’s cool!  It’s mesh on a frame and Mom washes it every week. I told you she’s a clean freak right? She uses a lot of Clorox Clean Up like they did at my kennel and then complains about it making her manicure dull or something. I like it! Reminds me of my birth Mom Riley. This morning Mom told me I smell like popcorn so that means I’m prolly getting a bath soon. She doesn’t like stinky, but she doesn’t understand it’s not stinky! It takes hard work for me to get this popcorn smell. It is an exact mix of a lot of things – rolling on the throw rugs, garden digging, C-A-T chasing, peeing while walking. You know. . . activities of a highly skilled, above average dog.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #5: I am creative and artistic. I’ve decided to help Mom with the landscaping out back. So far, I have added splashes of yellow all around on different shrubs and have made one of them half green and half yellow right down the middle! Brilliant! I have also taken the Yucca and bent it over so it looks like I do when I stretch. Mom always says something about yoga or downward dog? I guess the Yucca does yoga or maybe I do yoga? I dunno. Anyway, my splashes of yellow are great because I can’t see colors like humans can, but I can see yellow and it is awesome now! It is also part of my strategy for elimination of the C-A-T which is still being cooked up. More to follow.

Ok that’s it for now. I’m off to get a Greenie, and head back into my Chocolate Labratory.

I’ve been living in Washington D.C. a little over a year. I am also a little over a year old. And I’m smart! My Mom says I’m cute and sweet and smart! I think I’m probably the smartest dog in the whole world, or at least on my whole block. Same thing. I really like my canine neighbors especially Mosely the Doberman who lives two houses down. We have coffee on the deck together in the mornings and catch up most afternoons. He’s my bud and my bark is almost as deep as his! Since I moved in, he’s been schooling me and told me that it is our job to monitor things around here especially the non-canine critters.

We have these little gray things with bushy tails, big gray things with stripes that wear masks, these fat, greasy, white things with long pink noses and pink paws, and then there’s my nemesis, the JERK across the street that seems to be some combination of the other three.

Those little gray things with bushy tails run all through my tree, down the top of the fence and along the phone lines like it’s a highway system. Mom calls them Rocky. I don’t know what that means, but whatever. I don’t like those Rockys. If she even says the word, I bark. They run through my yard all day and even walk up on the front porch and dare me to stop them. When I was little, they would sit high up in the tree and talk about me.

“Look at what we’ve got living here now ya’ll. First it was that cat and now this thing. You think he will get big? What’s his name? Jack? Jaaaaaccckk!!! He can’t even see us up here! We’re good! Hey you little shit! We were here first so don’t think you’re going to take over. We run this spot. We’ve got a whole THANG going. A situation. So don’t get in here and mess it up little man or we will MESS you up!”

They would sit in the big tree in the mornings, especially on the weekends, laughing at me, talking loud and hanging off the tree limbs while they ate apples and peaches from the nearby trees. They were just sloppy, chattering and dropping apple cores and peach pits on the deck. Drove me nuts!! I’m a Virgo. I know ’cause I was born on August 29th and Mom says that makes me a Virgo and we are something called “anal” and we don’t like messy. My kennel where I was born is cleaner than most humans’ houses and my Mom is a clean freak. I mean she has puppy wipes for my paws, my face and my butt and they’re all different! It is embarrassing, but they do keep me fresh! So I’m not having those nasty Rockys up in my yard making a mess. I’ve got a plan to eliminate them which includes digging some deep holes (really graves, but not mass graves ’cause I don’t want Mom to end up on the news). Until then, I have to make sure they know it’s about to go down, and I’m not taking their crap anymore. This is MY yard and if anybody is going to be diggin’ up the Tulip bulbs out there is it me! And in fact I have, and I got sick, but that’s not the point.

There is also this thing Mom calls Roscoe. He wears a mask and runs across the roof at night while I am trying to sleep! I mean what kind of comic book world do I live in! I thought if you wore a mask you were a crime fighter like Spider-Man. Apparently not in Washington, D.C. and not Roscoe. It’s the other way. If you wear a mask here, you aren’t fighting crime you are committing crime! Roscoe and his pack used to sit on my deck all night in their masks drinking and playing cards, digging in the flower pots and eating out of the trash cans until the sun came up! I shut that down the minute I was old enough to go outside to poop and pee without Mom watching me. That’s a big deal if you didn’t know. Not shutting down the crime syndicate, but peeing without your Mom watching. That and the day I graduated from squatting and was able to lift my leg. Just saying. That stuff’s important in my world. Shows you’re developing properly. I met a girl over Christmas that peed like a boy. Talk about crossed wires.

Between the Rockys, Roscoe, and that fat white thing with the pink nose and paws, and long tail that Mom calls Peter Possum, I had to grow up fast ’cause this Washington, D.C. place is like the Wild Wild West compared to where I came from in Virginia. A less intelligent puppy could get killed! It was enough that I had to withstand all of their trash talking which has led me to pacing around the house talking to myself, barking at the tv machine and shaking my toys to death while I plot revenge.

As for that Peter Possum dude, he’s no big deal. Total wuss. When I saw him creeping through out back, I rolled out my I’m-a-big-boy-now deep growl and that ugly thing froze in its tracks and started drooling. Never been back. It’s that JERK across the street that makes me total cray cray. Mom says he’s a C-A-T. She always says it like that C-A-T. I think I hear him outside now so I gotta go stand my ground. More on him later.

We are still working out the details as to whether I will write and manage this blog myself or if my human will take dictation while I relax. I’m thinking the latter! Either way, this is the blog of Cresthill’s Virginia Gentleman Jack a/k/a Jack. Me. I’m a chocolate Labrador Retriever born on August 29, 2012 at Cresthill Kennels in Woodford, Virginia along with two sisters and one brother. I must say I was the best looking out of all of them. I live quite the life, and have many fans who love to keep up with me so I thought I would try this blogging thing. So…Let’s go! Follow Me! I’ve got a lot to catch you up on.