Daily Archives: January 25, 2014

I’m not your average Labrador. I am actually well above average and almost human. It’s true! The proof is in the Jack facts.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #1: I am a Virginia Gentleman which means I have been raised to recognize certain social graces. Like I let ladies go through the door first (well Mom makes me do that), I sit and wait patiently and quietly for my breakfast and dinner (Mom makes me do that too), and I figured out that I don’t have to whine or bark to make Mom get up in the morning because my ears are so long they make enough noise when I shake my head really hard it sounds like a helicopter. Works like a charm! I mean I’m a really well-mannered guy, even though I can’t help but stick my nose in Mom’s girlfriend’s crotches. That’s how I download them into my contacts!!! Like I said, I’m not your average Labrador.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #2: I have never torn up anything. *looks over shoulder* Well. . .ok I did get “caught up” in a roll of toilet paper as a baby (that was fun!), but that’s in the puppy handbook and another sign of proper puppy development. Plus, I had to represent for the sake of my puppy street cred. Was very important to be able to throw that kinda stuff around in my puppy play group with Bodhi, Katie, Cisco, and Sally. “Hey guys have you done toilet paper yet! It’s AWESOME!” Note to all puppy moms: give your puppy street cred bragging rights otherwise they will get a beat down at the dog park.

While I’m confessing, I did take a small bite out of one of Mom’s wooden mask thingys from Africa, and I MIGHT have gotten her Uggs confused with one of my toys. Juvenile mistakes. I mean Uggs are suede and Mom’s have that fuzzy stuff that my Sundance big bones are made of, so how was I supposed to know! BUT! I have never completely destroyed or ruined anything ever. The Ugg incident was really more of Mom catching me in a split second of excited puppy cray cray with my mouth on it and then putting me on the longest time out of my life. So allllll of that being said, I maintain that I am not your average Labrador.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #3: I only touch things that belong to me. I don’t chew on shoes (I only put my MOUTH on the Ugg no teeth), or phones or electrical cords or floor boards and I am very, very, very quiet in the house except I snore and have gas (which is a lot). Apparently, I also have a loud, grunty exhale when I am resting or sleeping. Mom’s always saying something about Al Bundy whoever that is. An old boyfriend maybe? Like why should I care? He doesn’t come over here to see me.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #4: I take myself to bed every night no later than 9:30 pm.  I prefer lights out with no television, and I stay in bed all night. Mom’s not like me. She doesn’t sleep after she eats or plays or poops or really ever. Would you believe she stays awake allllll day?? Who does that?? It is totally not normal so I realized I had to take responsibility for my own sleep even when she stays up drinking wine and watching reality tv. I’m a big boy now, so I have a big bed. It’s called a Coolaroo, and it’s cool!  It’s mesh on a frame and Mom washes it every week. I told you she’s a clean freak right? She uses a lot of Clorox Clean Up like they did at my kennel and then complains about it making her manicure dull or something. I like it! Reminds me of my birth Mom Riley. This morning Mom told me I smell like popcorn so that means I’m prolly getting a bath soon. She doesn’t like stinky, but she doesn’t understand it’s not stinky! It takes hard work for me to get this popcorn smell. It is an exact mix of a lot of things – rolling on the throw rugs, garden digging, C-A-T chasing, peeing while walking. You know. . . activities of a highly skilled, above average dog.

Not Your Average Jack Fact #5: I am creative and artistic. I’ve decided to help Mom with the landscaping out back. So far, I have added splashes of yellow all around on different shrubs and have made one of them half green and half yellow right down the middle! Brilliant! I have also taken the Yucca and bent it over so it looks like I do when I stretch. Mom always says something about yoga or downward dog? I guess the Yucca does yoga or maybe I do yoga? I dunno. Anyway, my splashes of yellow are great because I can’t see colors like humans can, but I can see yellow and it is awesome now! It is also part of my strategy for elimination of the C-A-T which is still being cooked up. More to follow.

Ok that’s it for now. I’m off to get a Greenie, and head back into my Chocolate Labratory.